What is a friend?

Miriam-Websters lied. I looked up the word "friend" today and it read "one attached to another by affection or esteem" and just for safe measure it threw in there "acquaintance". Well, which one is it?



You can have a friend, a best friend whom you shared some great times and bad times with OR a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker perhaps, whom you had some laughs with but nothing major. It seems like these labels are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Maybe that's why it's easy for someone like me to think that I am a good friend. I'm there in good and bad times, for the laughs and tears. I thought that by never saying "no" to a friend meant that I was reliable, dependable and a true friend.



I miss my best friend. She's not dead or anything. I haven't talked to her in 4 months. She hurt my feelings one too many times and that was the last straw. She took my friendship for granted and never appreciated anything I did for her. She had the innate ability to always be on the defensive and to never admit fault or error. When I think about the things she did that irritated me, I wonder "why do I miss her?"

She was the type of person that manipulated all situations to her favor. It was her way or the highway. She also always has to have the last word, regardless if she's right or wrong. Her dramas and issues were more important than any other situation. And she could never keep a secret and if she told you a secret, she would add "don't tell anyone" but then you come to find out that she told everyone! I never understood people like that. And what a hypocrite! She loved to gossip and make fun of people behing their back but she was sweet as candy in their face. She did this to everyone, I noticed, so I wondered a lot "What does she say when I'm not around?" This made me leary of her but I learned to drop my guard a little. Some people are just this way for reasons still unknown to me.

But she was funny. She made me laugh more times that she made me cry. But it seems that we hold on to the hurt moreso than the joy. I was there for her when she had her son whom I miss terribly, I was there for her when she had her boobs done, and I was there for her whenever she called/text'd / emailed. I was there.

Her best friend was killed in an accident the year I met her. I thought that lesson would have made her appreciate life more and realize that we are truly blessed with the good people that surround our lives. Especially those people that make you be your better self. People are not perfect and true perfection lies in the ability to forgive and admit fault.

A good friend of mine told me once that to be able to forgive, truly forgive, is a Divine act. I always think about that and wonder...

Death came quickly yesterday

As everyone is well aware of by now, Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett left the earth yesterday. One death was sudden and unexpected; the other was slower and forewarned. Both very publicized to the point where I don't want to watch tv or listen to the radio because it's all so sadly redundant. The one death that happened very quietly and uneventfully today was the death of my cousin's baby. He was to be born on July 9th but when my cousin went in for a check-up yesterday, the doctor could not hear his heartbeat. The doctor sadistically induced my cousin's labor and made her labor and deliver his lifeless body.

Death is such a mystery to me because it's so final. Once you are gone, there's no coming back. I often wonder if we enter a new world when we go or if that's it. How can it be that all my experiences, my joys, my tears, my habits and quirks all disappear when my body stops working. I always go through this phase of "what is life" whenever a death affects me.

It's hard for some people to talk about death because they know it's inevitable. I welcome it. It's more painful to live in this life full of greed, envy and injustice. All that stops when you die. The only thing about death that bothers me is the impact that is made on those that you leave behind. That is the part about death that hurts the most. When you look at life in general things are unfair but death is the great equalizer.

I don't mean to come off like some Gothic kid waxing poetic or anything (maybe that was me 10 years ago). I just found this great place to write and expel the thoughts I have when I'm alone in the car and have no one to talk to. I hope to keep up this online diary of sorts and I hope you keep coming back to visit.