C.A.B.L. FUND

Let me preface this by saying this...

If we were all naked this wouldn't have happened.

So I'm watching an episode of "Rock Life" starring Cisco Adler. At first I am fascinated by this skinny, Well spoken, furry musician. He's got good stage presence and tight pants. Typical rocker right?

So who is this guy and how did Mischa Barton land him? Why was he all over the place in issues of US Weekly, Star and OK!? I am getting a little obsessed at this point.

So I go to the best source for celebrity gossip; the gay man. I happen to be hag to one of the best informed homosexuals on the planet! For privacy sakes, I shall call him...Lust.

I ask Lust...what do you know about Cisco Adler. Before I could finish pronouncing the "R" in Adler he says:

"He's got huge balls".

"Oh really?" I say "I like a ballsy guy, you know, brazen, not shy"

"No bitch" he sneered "I mean the guy has huge saggy balls".

"No way" I replied in disbelief and disgust.

"I've seen pictures on the Net. They're all over the place. I can show you if you want" he says.

At this point I've reached that whole Pandora's Box situation; do I see it or do I not and continue with my obsession like an ostrich with my head in the sand.

"Ok, show me" I say bravely with the tone I had when I got my first tattoo. Google is the devil.

Lo and behold (And I should say "LOW and BELOW") there he is. A pathetic vision in tube socks. "Those are the ugliest balls I've ever seen!" I declared. "They remind me of something you see on third world oxen." They were no so much huge as they were saggy(I don't want you to get an image of elephantitis or anything). No my friends, they were nothing but skin...like a fleshy pendulum waiting to hypnotize you and possibly break your nose.

I came to the conclusion as to why Mischa Barton is so thin and always has this "glazed over" look about her. After being with Cisco and taking a few balls to the chin, the bitch probably had her jaw wired shut once or twice. I hear this is an excellent but inhumane way of dieting.



My purpose is clear. Friends, I ask you to contribute to the Cisco Adler Ball Lift Fund. No one in our great country filled with so many medical advances should be subjected to this degree of sag. Maybe he could gueststar on Dr. 90210? I mean look at it! It looks like he has a pair of pink boxing gloves hanging from his dong!

I am happy to report that my 5 day obsession with Cisco has now stopped. I realized that the tight pants were not fashion but instead they served a medicinal purpose only. Nothing more dangerous than tripping on your balls while on stage.