Restroom Ettiquette...kind of

Today’s Blog is inspired by the third world bathroom here at work.

No friends, I don’t work in Haiti. I work in Irvine but the tenants in my office building are moving (as am I). Because the tenants are taking their sweet ass time in moving, the facilities do not have toilet paper, ass gaskets, paper towels, etc. I’ve seen cleaner Port-O-Potties at Lollapalooza!

So what is the fascination with the toilet? Well, I’m not certain but I think my dog put it in perspective for me. Sometimes as I’m walking her, she starts smelling the ground. She runs back and forth all the while sniffing and snorting. When she starts going in circles, then I know she’s about to drop a “growler”. I see this and I think, “Why that spot?”

I realized that I too have some sort of bathroom ritual of my own. I run back and forth between the stalls to see which one is cleaner, which one has the best toilet paper and sufficient ass gaskets. In addition, I will not go in a toilet that has had anything marinating in it for a while. The image is disgusting and cannot be erased from my memory. Women are disgusting. What kind of sicko leaves blood on a toilet seat? Moreover, why won’t women use tampons…it the 21st century people not "Little House on the Prairie"! To top it all off…I never realized how many women do not wash their hands after they do their business. This is why I do not participate in company potlucks! I would hate to see where these women live. It’s not a race / culture thing, because I’ve been to Wal-Mart in Santa Ana (clean restroom!), I’ve been to the restroom at the airport in Tijuana (clean restroom!) My aversion to public restrooms stemmed from being in the corporate world with supposedly educated people. Don’t use a mortgage company restroom. It’s obvious that ivy-league colleges do not teach proper restroom etiquette.

So right now, I’m walking into the restroom with a roll of paper towels. I’ve had to do the “hover”. If you are not familiar with the “Hover”, it’s when you balance your self over the toilet seat and pee while your derrière is in the air. If you don’t have the cat-like moves that I have, then you would do what I call the “Rodeo”. “The Rodeo” is just like the hover, except you grab the crotch of your pants and underwear for leverage. I’ve had to “Rodeo” while intoxicated.

Anyway, maybe Finch from American Pie had it right...there’s no place like home.